Tuesday 18 July 2017

Babies who do not sleep.


"If someone were to ask me what my number one priority in life is at the moment I would say my child's sleep.  If they were to ask what most of my time is spent doing, I would say putting my child to sleep.  The reason I bite my husband's head off with a mere glance of the wrong kind is because I have poured any and all patience, understanding, and love into putting my child to sleep.  Sleep...
I have this beautiful, smart, healthy boy and all I can do is think about is sleep instead of enjoying this small window of babyhood I have with him."
I don't know who wrote the quote above but she has NAILED IT.

My first child, J, loves sleep.  We did some full on, cry-it-out, torturous sleep training with her when she was very small, and whether that led to her great sleep habits now we will never know.  My gut, however, tells me that it's just who and how she is.  She needs a lot of sleep, and hence we have had very few sleep troubles with her.  Even now at two and a half, she sleeps (or is in bed being quiet at any rate) for 12 hours overnight with a 2.5 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Every day.  Every night.  She only ever cries out if she's sick or something's actually wrong.

So what exactly does this have to do with a quote about babies who don't sleep?  Because of my second child, A.    I've alluded previously to the fact that she isn't a great sleeper.



We allowed some bad habits to take hold early and have made (I see now) only half-hearted attempts to fix things.  We've been inconsistent.  We've done whatever's quickest in the moment to get her back to sleep.  Because we are so.bloody.tired.

This is how nap times went for the first, oh, five months of A's life

Over the course of her short life, A has woken up approximately 43 million times.  I can no longer remember what it feels like to go to bed and sleep all night.

Before A was born, when there was just J, I used to look forward to J's bedtime because it was my chance to "clock off", to relax and have some time off from being a parent.  She never ever woke up for no reason.

Now, we have A who wakes up any time from an hour after putting her to bed, to (what seems to be her personal favourite) about five minutes after I've put my head on the pillow and closed my eyes.  Or every 40 minutes all night long.  Or starting the day at 4.30am.  Or all of the above.  Day after day.  Night after night.


I never feel that sense of "clocking off".  It's like I never get a break.  It may only take less than a minute to get her back to sleep but I feel constantly tense, ever vigilant for that cry.  Did I just hear her?  So even when I could be sleeping, I struggle to switch off.  It's exhausting.  My eye bags have eye bags.

I used to listen in quiet horror to other parents' stories of non-sleeping children and wonder how on earth they could carry on, day after day, night after night.



The answer, I now know all too well, is because what other choice is there?  There is no one you can hand this off to (bugger it).  You can say "I can't do this.  I can't keep doing this" as many times as you like and still you must carry on.

I'm so sick of thinking about it.  I'm sick of talking about it.  I'm sick of obsessing about it.  I'm so tired (haha...) of turning over all the possibilities in my mind, all the what-ifs and should-wes and the whywhywhyWHY.

You have this tiny little person whom you love so much it hurts, who just wants you in the middle of the night.  She just does.



I know she'll sleep eventually.  Things have already improved from the dark days of months four to eight.  I'm sure one day we'll have to drag her from her teenage bed.

I'm not entirely sure why I've written this post.  I'm not sure if I'll publish it (edited to add: I guess I made up my mind!).  It feels good to just get it out there, even if it is a little "off-brand" from the happy tree-changers stuff you normally get from me.  On that note, this doesn't abrogate anything I've written previously.  I am very happy.  Friends and family: I'm fine.  I do love our life.


But.  If you have or have had a non-sleeper, I salute you.  Day after day.  Night after night.

I promise that normal programming and mountain photos will resume next post.





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